Things Civilians Say That Make Us Twitch

Let me say this up front: I love civilians. I'm related to plenty of them, I went to school with them, I buy my groceries from them. Most of the people in my life never served, and they are generous, curious and kind. They mean well. They just learned everything they know about the military from a movie with a lot of slow-motion helicopters.

So this is not a complaint. It's a field guide. A gentle, affectionate list of the things that make women veterans do a tiny involuntary eye twitch, offered in the spirit of mutual understanding and also because some of these are very funny.

The greatest hits

"Wait, you were in the military? You don't look like it." What does it look like? Do we all have a high and tight and a tattoo of an eagle eating a snake? I'm wearing a cardigan. I bought it at Target. This is what it looks like.

"Was your husband in too?" He might have been. He might not have been. Either way, I would like to talk about my own career for one minute before we get to his.

"So did you, like, shoot people?" Asked at a baby shower, between the diaper cake and the game where you guess the size of the belly with yarn. Ma'am. There are cucumber sandwiches. Read the room.

"I almost joined, but..." Followed by a reason that is usually some version of "I didn't like being told what to do." Totally fair. Neither did we. We just did it anyway, at 0430, in the rain.

"Were you a nurse?" Some of us were, and they are heroes. Some of us fixed helicopters, ran logistics, flew aircraft, worked intelligence, commanded troops, or spent three years doing paperwork in a building with no windows. The answer is "it depends," and it's a much better conversation than the guess.

They mean well. They just learned everything they know about the military from a movie with a lot of slow-motion helicopters.

"Is it like in [insert TV show]?" It is exactly like that, except with more waiting, worse coffee, and a full hour spent looking for the one person who has the key to the conex.

"You must be so disciplined!" Have you seen my junk drawer? I contain multitudes.

"Did you ever see any action?" This one usually comes from a good place. But for some people the honest answer is long, heavy and not something they want to unpack next to the cheese board. A shrug and a subject change is a complete answer.

"Can you still do pushups?" Not on command, Kevin.

What they can say instead

Here's the generous part, because civilians often tell me they're afraid of saying the wrong thing, and honestly that fear is kind of sweet.

You can't really go wrong with curiosity that leaves the door open. Try:

• "What did you do in the service?" Simple, open, no assumptions about gender, combat or marriage.
• "What branch were you in?" Then let us brag about it. We will. At length.
• "Did you like it?" You'll get a real answer, and it'll probably be complicated and interesting.
• "Where were you stationed?" This is a goldmine. Everyone has a story about the base in the middle of nowhere with one Applebee's.
• "What's something people get wrong about it?" You'll make a friend for life.

And yes, "thank you for your service" is lovely. Some veterans get a little awkward hearing it, which is about us, not you. If you want to go one better, ask a follow-up question and actually listen to the answer. That's the thing most of us want: not to be thanked, but to be known a little.

Why we twitch at all

Here's the honest bit. Women veterans spend a lot of time being invisible as veterans. People assume the ball cap belongs to our husbands. We get skipped at the Veterans Day discount line. So when a question lands sideways, it's not that we're fragile. It's just one more tiny reminder that the picture in most people's heads still doesn't include us.

Which is exactly why the good questions matter. Every time someone asks a woman what she did in the service, the picture gets a little bigger.

So ask. We like talking about it. Just maybe not over the diaper cake.